Why You Need to Stop “Shoulding” Yourself

"I should have my life together by now." "I should be more productive." "I should do a better job keeping my house clean." "I should be a better a parent."

I should. I should. I should...

Wake up earlier. Be more organized. Finish everything on my to-do list. Be perfectly put-together. Work out every day.

The list goes on.

My friend, trust me when I tell you that I’m saying this with love: STOP THAT BULLSHIT.

How many times a day do you say - in your mind or out loud - "I should... (insert whatever)." I bet it’s a lot. Maybe even more than you realize.

The problem with all of these “should” statements is that we are setting self-imposed, often impossible expectations, then fall into a pattern of shame, guilt, or anxiety when we fail to do all of our shoulds.

Ew, right? Who wants to feel like that?

It starts innocently enough. We tell ourselves all of these things that we should be doing as a way to motivate our brains to actually do these things. But that one seemingly-simple word actually acts as a source of self-judgment and can subtly cause feelings of failure and discouragement. So it does the OPPOSITE of motivating us, because we subconsciously berate ourselves for not already doing these things that we should be doing.

Let's pretend you said, "I should get more stuff done...." then your (often unhelpful) brain responds, "but I don't because I suck at time-management."

Stuff it, brain. That's about enough negativity out of you.

Words are so powerful, and our internal dialogue, the way we speak to ourselves about ourselves, can have a huge impact on our overall happiness. Psychologists suggest using phrases like “want to” or "could" instead of should, because they remove some of the rigidity and judgment. Instead of, "I should be more organized," saying, "I'd really like to be more organized," opens us up to the how. HOW are you going to be more organized? One phrase makes it sound like we're a failure for not already knowing how to do something, the other encourages us to seek ways to make that happen.

The next time you find yourself shoulding, stop and see if you can figure out the driving force behind that statement.

Is it self-imposed? Based on a fear of criticism? Society's expectations? Perfectionism? Or is it genuinely something that would make you happier and more fulfilled to accomplish?

If it's that last one, let's find ways to reframe those thoughts in a way that will actually help you get there, instead of feeling defeated from the start.

Let's stop boxing ourselves in with shoulds, boo. Embrace the reality of where you are, and make a plan for how to get to where you want to be. But for heaven's sake, stop making yourself feel like crap for not already being there.